The 13 Week Gynea Visit

We went for our 13 week visit at Dr H on Tuesday.  

Everything is great with the new babba, growing nicely & Dr said it will be a tall baby again - the legs are again measuring taller than average. 

He tried very hard to get a look but he couldn't tell us if it was a boy or a girl.  So now I have my fingers crossed again that it might be another girl.  I would love to have two girlies.  

At the end of the consultation, he asked if we had any question and this was the perfect opportunity for me to bring up my concerns about having an elective cesarean and VBAC.  I was overjoyed to hear that he does support VBAC and if I feel I would like to try than he will give me a trial of labour.  He said we could see how far we are willing to push out booking a cesarean and if it is safe to do so we can go to 40 weeks.  

I was overjoyed to hear this because if my doctor would allow me to at least try then I would feel much safer doing it under his nose than going to Genesis.

I am still comfortable with booking an elective cesarean as the doctor said the risk for baby and mom is less than with an emergency cesarean.  He also said the danger with VBAC is of course the 1% chance of uterine rupture, and even though it is small, if it does happen that puts baby and my life in a lot of danger and the emergency cesarean then will be much more traumatic.  

It's interesting though, before I even said anything about midwifes, he said that he knows Genesis is one of the places that does do VBAC and he knows that they have lost babies with their attempts.  He said he does not know if they have got an NICU now but he has heard of cases where mom and baby have to be rushed to Parklane hospital.  So bottom line he would not recommend I go to Genesis.  

I am just too happy that should I go into labour before 40 weeks and the conditions are right I can still try to have a VBAC.  I really was very apprehensive about leaving my gynea should I really still wish to persue a TOLAC and wether or not I would be willing to trust a midwife above an obstetrician.  I just never quite felt at ease with the idea.  Midwifes are assistants, and sure they might have a lot of experiences etc, but they do not have the knowledge and the background that I believe an obstetrician has.  I know my gynea is very good and I trust him with the most important thing in our lives.  I am even more happy to stay with him now as he definitely is as understanding and accommodating as I perceived him to be.

The Birth Disappointment

I came across a blog yesterday that I even shared in the VBAC support forum.

It is about birth disappointment and for the first time I felt that someone was acknowledging the way I was feeling and that my feelings were legit!  And that has made such a big difference to me!  I will highlight some parts of it as I don't like to post links.  Links are always gone when you want to click on them years from now.

Dealing with feelings of anger, shame, sadness, or disappointment regarding your birth can be difficult.  Well-meaning family and friends remind new mothers that they have a healthy baby despite the experience, and while the sentiment is meant to make the mother feel better - after all, what better prize is there? - it generally only makes her feel worse.  Often the mother feels judged, as though others see her as ungrateful or selfish.  However, the feelings associated with birth disappointment are valid.

 I remember trying to explain to Dad how I felt after Isabella's birth, and this is exactly what he said to me:  "but look at what we've got!"  referring to our perfectly happy, healthy and beautiful daughter.  Yes, I know but...I didn't know how to explain it further so I left it and never mentioned it again.

Having birth disappointment means:
- A mother experienced unplanned, and often undesired, interventions.
- A mother may have experienced an undesired outcome, such as a cesarean section or episiotomy.
- A mother's birth memories elicit undesirable emotions such as anger, fear, or sadness.

It does not mean:
- The mother does not love her child.
- The mother was uneducated or poorly informed.
- Interventions were not necessary.

Now that I feel like I am allowed to feel what I have been feeling, well it takes so much of the hurt and guilt away! I realise that it is not only  moms who have undergone emergency cesareans after having their hearts set on normal birth, but anyone may feel that the birth went a way that they did not plan or want.  That takes me back a few posts ago (remember The Doula that gave birth?) where I judged a mom for saying that she felt disappointment for giving up her hypno-birthing method and pushing, causing her to tear.  I didn't understand it because if you had natural and normal birth you were not allowed to feel disappointment with you birth, because it is something that I will never experience!

Its funny, I never felt anger, fear and sadness when it comes to my first birth story.  I always tear up remembering it because I felt like it was beautiful and I definitively did not hate the experience.  What I do feel though is disappointment that I did not dilate or have a chance to try and push out my baby like I always believed I was meant to, or even the chance to experience a somewhat normal progression of labour.  Mentally I was so ready for this! I feel like my body failed me somehow.  I felt frustrated when I thought that I am stuck with cesarean forever now and I do not have a choice.  Now I know it is not true and I do have the option of again attempting a natural birth.  That alone makes the decision of rather having a repeat cesarean easier because I feel like it is my choice.

Thank you to theconnectedmom.com for sharing her birth disappointment and writing the post.

The Tiredness

I have continued reading articles, reading blogs, reading forums and talking to people, and now I am tired.

Tired of the over-thinking, tired of the obsessing, lying awake wondering, arguing with myself, Dad & debating with others.  I am done now.

I am now just going to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy and my growing baby.  I hope that I will be healthy in this pregnancy & that baby will be perfectly healthy as with my first pregancy.  I love telling people I am pregnant & I love the fact that already my tummy and midriff is expanding!  I look forward to our doctors appointment in less than two weeks time so I can see how much our little peanut has grown!

 

The Reason Behind Wanting a VBAC

This is the part where I ramble on a bit.....

I have been wondering, within myself, why is it that I along with so many other women feel the desperation, like I felt at first, to have natural labour and birth a baby vaginally?  Why do we feel cheated out of having a natural birth?  Why do we so desperately want to be in control of this birth experience like we felt we weren't the first time?

Many moms that I have spoken to that had emergency cesareans felt exactly the same way I did.  They all had repeat cesareans which they felt were a much much better and fulfilling experience than their first birth.

Perhaps it has to do with your mind set and the fact that you really wanted to birth naturally but then something happened and it was better and safer for baby to be born via c-section.  There is the disappointment.  Not because you gave birth a certain way but because it wasn't what you expected or how you imagined it would be.  Enter depression & self-reproach & feelings of being a 'failure'.  It is really silly isn't it?  You are holding your healthy beautiful newborn yet you feel guilty for somehow failing to live up to what you had in your mind to be perfect.  You will always opt for the emergency cesarean; not because you blindly obey what your doctor suggests or 'bullies' you into as some women put it, but because instinctively you will want to protect and do what you also believe is safest for your unborn child.

Perhaps it has a lot to do with me feeling like the choice was taken out of my hands and all of sudden I felt like everything was out of my control!  And that is I think what makes the experience so terribly disappointing and frighting.  You had no time to prepare for this!  Neither mentally nor physically and therefore a lot of what-ifs came in the few months after I had had my little angel. What if I had been induced differently?  What if I had waited longer?  What if I had gone to an active birthing clinic instead of a hospital?  What if I used a midwife instead of a obstetrician?    

I suppose giving natural birth, from what I have heard and read, gives a woman a feeling of self-fulfillment in the sense that you feel you are strong for enduring the pain of labour (if you do it without any pain medication), feeling like you are capable of doing something that is unique to being a women (other than baring a child and breastfeeding?).  The question is though, is your baby capable of handling the birth like you and your body is?  Sometimes not.
 I hate it when people say "but women have been doing this for centuries, we are made to birth a baby vaginally, you cannot grow a baby too big...."blah blah bah.  Women and children mortality rates were a lot higher in the old days.  With modern medical intervention people are surviving!  People had 15 children because chances were that all your offspring would not survive.  Why do people then not have so many children anymore if they have been doing it for centuries?  People also forgot it has a lot to do with genetics & there are a lot of factors beyond our control....anyway that is a debate for another page.

I am still a firm believer that, should you have a normal uncomplicated and healthy pregnancy and be capable of having a normal birth, it is best. There is merit in some theories surrounding how and why natural is best for baby and mom, but it is not healthy to build your entire belief regarding birth around this.  It is ridiculous how some women condemn cesarean & women who have had it - elective or emergency.  Should a mother feel she would rather opt for elective cesarean first time round she must be free to choose so without judgement from others!  Natural birth should never ever be at a cost of the mother and/ or baby!  Do people realise this??  I just recently read again about a baby dying due to uterine rupture & another where a mother died bleeding to death following a home birth.  With the first case the doctor said she would make the same choice again.  She said the mother's uterus was salvaged and can bare another child easily.  So, that makes it okay then?  With the second, the midwife said the mother had a wonderful pregnancy and a beautiful natural birth and she hopes the husband (and motherless baby?) can appreciate this.  It just blows my mind how some people forget what it is about!  "I would rather have a damaged mom and baby and have a natural delivery than opt for medical intervention."  It truly is bizarre to me.

Having a cesarean always scared me more than having natural yet painful labour.  It still does.  But this time I know what I am in for and my mind set is different.  Again all I hope for is for both of me and baby to come out after the birth healthy and without any complications. Now I know I would not have done anything differently the first time.  No more what-ifs.