This is the part where I ramble on a bit.....
I have been wondering, within myself, why is it that I along with so many other women feel the desperation, like I felt at first, to have natural labour and birth a baby vaginally? Why do we feel cheated out of having a natural birth? Why do we so desperately want to be in control of this birth experience like we felt we weren't the first time?
Many moms that I have spoken to that had emergency cesareans felt exactly the same way I did. They all had repeat cesareans which they felt were a much much better and fulfilling experience than their first birth.
Perhaps it has to do with your mind set and the fact that you really wanted to birth naturally but then something happened and it was better and safer for baby to be born via c-section. There is the disappointment. Not because you gave birth a certain way but because it wasn't what you expected or how you imagined it would be. Enter depression & self-reproach & feelings of being a 'failure'. It is really silly isn't it? You are holding your healthy beautiful newborn yet you feel guilty for somehow failing to live up to what you had in your mind to be perfect. You will always opt for the emergency cesarean; not because you blindly obey what your doctor suggests or 'bullies' you into as some women put it, but because instinctively you will want to protect and do what you also believe is safest for your unborn child.
Perhaps it has a lot to do with me feeling like the choice was taken out of my hands and all of sudden I felt like everything was out of my control! And that is I think what makes the experience so terribly disappointing and frighting. You had no time to prepare for this! Neither mentally nor physically and therefore a lot of what-ifs came in the few months after I had had my little angel. What if I had been induced differently? What if I had waited longer? What if I had gone to an active birthing clinic instead of a hospital? What if I used a midwife instead of a obstetrician?
I suppose giving natural birth, from what I have heard and read, gives a woman a feeling of self-fulfillment in the sense that you feel you are strong for enduring the pain of labour (if you do it without any pain medication), feeling like you are capable of doing something that is unique to being a women (other than baring a child and breastfeeding?). The question is though, is your baby capable of handling the birth like you and your body is? Sometimes not.
I hate it when people say "but women have been doing this for centuries, we are made to birth a baby vaginally, you cannot grow a baby too big...."blah blah bah. Women and children mortality rates were a lot higher in the old days. With modern medical intervention people are surviving! People had 15 children because chances were that all your offspring would not survive. Why do people then not have so many children anymore if they have been doing it for centuries? People also forgot it has a lot to do with genetics & there are a lot of factors beyond our control....anyway that is a debate for another page.
I am still a firm believer that, should you have a normal uncomplicated and healthy pregnancy and be capable of having a normal birth, it is best. There is merit in some theories surrounding how and why natural is best for baby and mom, but it is not healthy to build your entire belief regarding birth around this. It is ridiculous how some women condemn cesarean & women who have had it - elective or emergency. Should a mother feel she would rather opt for elective cesarean first time round she must be free to choose so without judgement from others! Natural birth should never ever be at a cost of the mother and/ or baby! Do people realise this?? I just recently read again about a baby dying due to uterine rupture & another where a mother died bleeding to death following a home birth. With the first case the doctor said she would make the same choice again. She said the mother's uterus was salvaged and can bare another child easily. So, that makes it okay then? With the second, the midwife said the mother had a wonderful pregnancy and a beautiful natural birth and she hopes the husband (and motherless baby?) can appreciate this. It just blows my mind how some people forget what it is about! "I would rather have a damaged mom and baby and have a natural delivery than opt for medical intervention." It truly is bizarre to me.
Having a cesarean always scared me more than having natural yet painful labour. It still does. But this time I know what I am in for and my mind set is different. Again all I hope for is for both of me and baby to come out after the birth healthy and without any complications. Now I know I would not have done anything differently the first time. No more what-ifs.
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