The Birth Disappointment

I came across a blog yesterday that I even shared in the VBAC support forum.

It is about birth disappointment and for the first time I felt that someone was acknowledging the way I was feeling and that my feelings were legit!  And that has made such a big difference to me!  I will highlight some parts of it as I don't like to post links.  Links are always gone when you want to click on them years from now.

Dealing with feelings of anger, shame, sadness, or disappointment regarding your birth can be difficult.  Well-meaning family and friends remind new mothers that they have a healthy baby despite the experience, and while the sentiment is meant to make the mother feel better - after all, what better prize is there? - it generally only makes her feel worse.  Often the mother feels judged, as though others see her as ungrateful or selfish.  However, the feelings associated with birth disappointment are valid.

 I remember trying to explain to Dad how I felt after Isabella's birth, and this is exactly what he said to me:  "but look at what we've got!"  referring to our perfectly happy, healthy and beautiful daughter.  Yes, I know but...I didn't know how to explain it further so I left it and never mentioned it again.

Having birth disappointment means:
- A mother experienced unplanned, and often undesired, interventions.
- A mother may have experienced an undesired outcome, such as a cesarean section or episiotomy.
- A mother's birth memories elicit undesirable emotions such as anger, fear, or sadness.

It does not mean:
- The mother does not love her child.
- The mother was uneducated or poorly informed.
- Interventions were not necessary.

Now that I feel like I am allowed to feel what I have been feeling, well it takes so much of the hurt and guilt away! I realise that it is not only  moms who have undergone emergency cesareans after having their hearts set on normal birth, but anyone may feel that the birth went a way that they did not plan or want.  That takes me back a few posts ago (remember The Doula that gave birth?) where I judged a mom for saying that she felt disappointment for giving up her hypno-birthing method and pushing, causing her to tear.  I didn't understand it because if you had natural and normal birth you were not allowed to feel disappointment with you birth, because it is something that I will never experience!

Its funny, I never felt anger, fear and sadness when it comes to my first birth story.  I always tear up remembering it because I felt like it was beautiful and I definitively did not hate the experience.  What I do feel though is disappointment that I did not dilate or have a chance to try and push out my baby like I always believed I was meant to, or even the chance to experience a somewhat normal progression of labour.  Mentally I was so ready for this! I feel like my body failed me somehow.  I felt frustrated when I thought that I am stuck with cesarean forever now and I do not have a choice.  Now I know it is not true and I do have the option of again attempting a natural birth.  That alone makes the decision of rather having a repeat cesarean easier because I feel like it is my choice.

Thank you to theconnectedmom.com for sharing her birth disappointment and writing the post.